By John Pizzurro
The term “metrosexual” can be defined in many ways and interpreted differently by people depending on how you look at the topic. One definition reads: A young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste. I have also heard metrosexuals described as being exactly like gay men, except that they are into women. Oh good. I wonder if there is a term for normal guys like me. Maybe “ruralsexual?” No, that won’t work; I am from Long Island, not exactly the country even though I do live in a somewhat rural area now.
Wait, I am getting ahead of myself here. Politically I am a Libertarian and strongly believe, both politically and personally, that people have the right to live their lives as they see fit as long as they are not hurting anyone or breaking the law. Live and let live. That said, if you wish to be defined under the terms listed above that is your choice, but I will still make fun of you. I don’t want to come off as some kind of Neanderthal here. I am college educated, have a professional career, and consider myself enlightened and open minded, but these dudes bug the shit out of me.
Here’s why. My personal belief system as an American male dictates that I should know a great deal about life, how to survive, fight, fix stuff, change a tire, catch, kill and eat wild creatures, play sports, shoot guns, drink beer, smoke cigars, enjoy women, protect my family, and generally act as a real American man should. I am doing something wrong of you are not sure which team I play for. I also think a man has the responsibility to educate himself, both in the literal and empirical sense. In other words, in the words of Dean Wormer to Bluto Blutarsky in Animal House, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.”
I agree with this. Maybe Dean Wormer should have added weak, ineffectual, sexually ambiguous, and feminine to the list of fat, drunk, and stupid. Now my job has me traveling most of the time and I spend a good portion of my day in airports all over the country. To that end, I see thousands of people every day from all walks of life. Airports are really a microcosm of society. This microcosm includes a dangerous and troubling surge in the metrosexual population as well. You may be asking yourself: “Self, how do I identify these so called metrosexuals?” Lucky for you I have an answer.
(picture from: http://www.2dolphins.com/2007/06/me-metrosexual.html)
Here is what to look for:
1. Mandals: Mandals are like sandals, but they are not the cool sporty kind with black nylon and lots of Velcro. Mandals look like something your wife or girlfriend would wear, but they are made to fit dudes.
2. Manscara: Manscara is like mascara, but on a guy. Manscara is any kind of “product” applied to the face designed to make a guy look prettier.
3. Manbag or Manpurse: This one is self explanatory. Manbags are often made of fine leather or some other well crafted animal skin. The high end metrosexuals will even carry a Louis Vuitton manbag. Beware: Gay men will also sport expensive Louis Vuitton manbags, so don’t judge by the manbag alone.
4. Manicure: This speaks for itself, but a dead give away of a manicure is the glossy clear nail polish. (There is more, but I don’t want to confuse anyone, so this is a good place for beginners to start.)
Along with the cues I have listed, there are behavioral cues that must be applied also. If you see a suspected metrosexual, look for his girlfriend or wife. I have been fooled many times only to see these guys later on kissing on a hottie. This can be hard to apply because sometimes metrosexuals will travel in pairs without the accompaniment of a woman. In these cases, it is very difficult to tell of they are metro, or just plain old gay. The only indicator here is a public display of affection between the two, then you have gay men, not metro’s. Metro’s also tend to run in large social groups in major cities and in beach communities such as Miami’s South Beach. That’s about all I have on the subject. Just remember guys, it is possible to look good and to dress fashionably without necessarily being “into fashion.” Thanks for reading.